Post #40: GIVE ME BACK MY STEROIDS

This is what comes up when you google "clinging to a pill." If this adorable bird can shop for steroids in his tiny cart, he is MY NEW BEST FRIEND.

Sigh.

If you haven't already guessed, I'm off of the steroids. I dragged out the tapering as long as humanly possible, but here I am, steroid-less and sad. Today I had wicked cramps, the kind you can't really walk off, so I got into bed and curled up like a potato bug and rocked back and forth until it was time to sprint to the bathroom. Since I had a lot of time to to think in there, I concluded that it was probably not a good sign that DAY ONE off of the steroids was so spectacularly unsuccessful (success being defined as the absence of explosive diarrhea).

Since I'm tired and feeling defeated, I thought I would focus on the stupid shit people have been saying to me all day. This is part of the reason I am feeling tired and defeated, besides the lack of delicious, delicious steroids. Enjoy!

Scene1:






Me, in the fetal position (see above, except that I was not so happy. Also, I don't have white pajamas and my ass is bigger). In pain.
Person I live with (PILW): Oh, I'll come back, you seem busy.
Me: I'm not busy, I'm having cramps. What do you want?
PILW: No no, you're busy, it can wait.
Me: No really, what do you want?
PILW: Are you in pain?
Me: Yup. What. do. you. want??
PILW: I was looking for some mail. I'm missing a magazine. Did we not get this magazine this week? Maybe it was a double issue last week. I don't remember getting one last week, either. Have you seen it? I wanted to read it. Really, I can come back.
Me: (picturing fire ants consuming lower half of person's body): Haven't seen it!!
PILW: Well, ok. (stands there). Right. (leaves room).


Scene 2: Shortly after resulting colon explosion

Me, sitting on couch drinking some OJ. Feeling sorry for myself. Clutching pearls.

PILW: How are you feeling? Are you ready to go?

Me: Like crap. And no. I don't think my colon is done.

PILW: Well, can you take a shower while you wait? Then we'll be ready to go.

Me: No! I am resting. I'm going to drink some juice and wait and see what happens. If you want to go right now, go without me.

PILW: No, no, I want to go with you. So, what do you figure-about a half hour? Then we'll go?

Me: My colon doesn't have a pop-up timer like a motherfucking turkey. I don't know when it's done. I can't give you a timeline.

PILW: (looking unsure). Well, I'll just wait.

Me: If you stand there and stare at me the whole time, I may kill you in the face.

PILW: I'll just go in the other room. So, after lunch we'll go, right?

Me: Sigh.

Scene 3: Later in the afternoon. At Costco, home of the cheapest, most phallic hot dog in town.

Run into family friends in the beverage aisle. Haven't seen the male half of the couple in a while. Pleasantries are exchanged.

Guy: You look great! (strike one) Have you lost weight recently (strike two!) ? You're looking really great (and you're out!)

Me: Um, yeah, thanks. You know, the whole not eating thing.

Guy: So the not eating thing is working for you huh? My son's friend, now this was a long time ago, I don't think they do this anymore, but he broke his jaw, and they wired it shut! Had to eat all of his meals through a straw. Now, that was a real weight loss solution right there.

Me: I'll keep that in mind.

Annnnnnnnnnd, FIN.

UGH. In other and perhaps related news, the clenching continues.

If nothing else, I would like to say yeah for 40 posts! I never stick with shit this long. Hopefully the next 40 will be filled with a calmer AAC and more happiness, puppies, and rainbows (and the chest hair of one Mr. Tom Sellack).