Post #52: Feeling Hot! Hot! Hot!

Small furry dog is not impressed with your socks OR YOUR EXCUSES.

Like the single serving size canine above, I am GIVING THE SIDE EYE to many things today: people who call during my napping hours (usually sometime between 1-4...assholes). An unpredictable bowel. My pill count creeping into the double digits. Also: NIGHT SWEATS.

There's a fun new symptom/side effect! I don't know which it is, but this morning I woke up freezing cold. Here's how my sleep brain worked:

Cold.
So cold.
Is the window open?
I think I'm damp.
Ewww, why would I be damp?
Whatever, I'll just get under a few blankets and warm right upzzzzzzzzzz
WHY AM I STILL COLD?  (cop a feel)
Hmm. I am damp.
(eyes still closed) So is the bed.
I don't think anything about this is good. I will ignore it and try to go back to sleepzzzzzzzzzzzz
FINE I WILL WAKE UP AND DEAL WITH THIS NEW AND UNCOMFORTABLE PROBLEM.

I fumbled around, found my glasses (why this suddenly makes my other senses work, I have no idea) and realized I was wet and cold. Good morning sunshine! I wasn't wringing out the sheets or anything, but I did have to change them/everything I was wearing because my clothing and the sheets were palpably.....damp. I couldn't warm up. I tried to go back to sleep, but it wasn't happening. I have no idea what caused this or if it will happen again, but I can say that it's disconcerting to wake up this way. Yeah uncertainty!

I'm waiting around, taking the old meds and trying to deal with the possibility that I will have to add the scarier meds in the near future. The steroids have started to work, so my culinary horizons have expanded, which is good. I am still tired all the fucking time.

I did engage in a little retail therapy, and I did run some errands, and I did go out to eat, and I socialized-but I had to force myself to do all of those things. I often hear, in one variation or another, the following sentiments:

"Getting out will be good for you!"
"You'll feel better once you're out and about." or, "Once you're there, it will be worth it."
"Going out will take your mind off things."
"You'll be glad you went."

Sometimes these sentiments turn out to be true, but mostly I am just in a different location with a different audience with the same problems, if that makes sense. I'm still tired. I'm still cautious about what I eat. I still feel nauseous and sore: the scenery is just different. This is not to say that I don't appreciate the people who care enough about my well being to drag me out of my lady cave (that would be my living room, not a genitalia reference)-I do. It's just that going out/socializing/showering (don't judge me) sometimes take more effort than they're worth. The end result of going out is the same as staying in: I'll probably feel sick, and take a nap.

I think people think there is a psychological payoff when you "push yourself" to do things when you don't feel well, like you should have a sense of accomplishment when you execute what would normally be easy everyday tasks. And yes, sometimes going to the grocery store feels like a win. But mostly, it just seems like more work to add to the pile, and it takes a lot to get me out of my yoga pants these days and into an outfit from the "real people clothes" section of the closet.

Sometimes you just want to hibernate and wait for things to get better. Sometimes you don't want to talk to people and have to listen to yourself explain all the shit that is wrong with your body. Sometimes you would rather just be sick at home than on the road. Sometimes, it's good to connect to pieces of your old life-and sometimes it just makes you sad.

I'm feeling a little flushed-I'm going to remake my bed, and cuddle up next to an ice pack.