Post #98: Well played, colon, well played

I chugged these like a boss. 

Oh AAC, you tricky little minx. In an attempt to figure out why my colon was causing me so much pain, and why the various hardcore medications I am currently ingesting/injecting aren't allowing me to eat normal foods/drastically improving my symptoms, I went in for my MRE fully expecting to get some clear answers. I should know better by now. 

Confidential to the picture above: "berry smoothie" my ass. Funny story, I was running super late to my appointment (random traffic caused a 20 minute trip to take over an hour), so when I got there I was ushered right back and handed two ice cold jugs of barium-y goodness. As my nurse was shaking up jug #1, another nurse walked by and said, "5 minutes, ok?" Thinking she was talking to me, and kind of frazzled from being late, I burst out with "I can't drink these in 5 minutes! I'm not a frat boy! THIS IS NOT SPRING BREAK!" which caused both of the nurses to stop in their tracks and look at me like I was insane. 

After they finished laughing at me, one nurse explained that indeed I did not have to drink the two jugs o' fun in 5 minutes, and that I should in fact "sip them leisurely." The other nurse leaned in and said, "Confidentially? Those frat boy types really do try to pound these-it's like they just open their gullets and pour it down!" AMPs for the win. 

Fast forward to my doctor's appointment this week, and guess what? The MRE didn't provide any answers. To be clear: 

No new or worsening problems: AWESOME
No explanation for pain/continuing symptoms? less awesome

The doctor still thinks there is a partial obstruction of some kind, or some scar tissue, or some inflammation that is causing this. Solution? ANOTHER f-ing colonoscopy, with the intention of inflating a balloon in my AAC (dilation! like a cervix! but with less baby!) to widen the narrow part. I couldn't make this shit up. 

I was telling a friend about the procedure, which definitely qualifies as WEIRD and insane and something you don't think they could possibly do to a human body until they are telling you they are about to do it to yours, and she replied, "I would think that would be really uncomfortable when you wake up." It took me a second to realize she thought they were going to leave the balloon in there, like I would permanently have a "Congrats on the promotion!" balloon wedged up my ass. I laughed in my head for a long time about that one. 

So that is happening at the end of the month, which means I'm back to my favorite activity: waiting. Waiting! And trying not to obstruct. 

Before the appointment, I was sweating with anxiety, thinking about all of the things the MRE could show and all of the interventions I might need; after, with some of those same interventions hanging over my head, I only feel relief and......I'm not sure what else. Maybe because nothing is clear, maybe because there are still so many more questions than answers, I am hesitant to actually invest emotions until I know what course of action I will be taking. I think I am in a phase of managed expectations, which is where you end up when you get your hopes up too many times, and then lose hope too many times, and generally exhaust yourself with the up-and-down nature of chronic illness. 

I know how to do this part. I will wait, and worry, and distract myself until the next test/procedure/step, and then I'll manage my expectations all over again.