Post #102: Great Expectations

Well, seeing as how you're already all gloved up.....

Hey, guess what I just had? My second colonoscopy of the year! Whooo. I seriously should enroll in some sort of "frequent flier" scoping program. Perhaps there is a punch card of some sort? A 10% off coupon for valued customers? A BOGO promotion? 

Everything went smoothly. I didn't talk to my doctor afterwards, but I did talk to the nurse who was in the room the whole time, and she said my AAC looked "ok." I read on the paperwork that he took some biopsies as well, which I knew because I had that delightful "kicked in the gut by a tiny, angry shetland pony" feeling in my gut. 

The day of the procedure was my Crohn's med injection day, and I read online that giving yourself the shot standing up was easier/less painful then doing it sittting down. Ha ha, THANKS A LOT INTERNET. I had a golf ball sized lump that is now a golf ball sized bruise, a constellation of green and yellow and purple dots staining my abdomen. My eye is drawn to it every time I step out of the shower. It looks about as violent as giving myself the shot sometimes feels. 

Sorry if this post feels scattered, but so does my thinking around this. I haven't blogged for a while, and it feels a little awkward. It's not like anything changed, in terms of my AAC; increasingly, I'm just getting sick of talking about it. About the food I can't eat, the weird procedures, the night sweats, and the joint pain (that's a new one)-how I feel like an 80 year old women when I come down the stairs in the morning, gripping the handrail and saying "ow. ow. ow." under my breath as my swollen ankles pop and creak in protest. 

Depending on the results of the colonoscopy, can I say that this medicine is working? Is it worth the side effects? And the most important question of all: 

Is this as good as it gets? 

I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I've spent so much time invested in the idea that I was going to return to a place of normalcy, where I felt healthy again. Where I felt good, and able, and strong. I'm not at that place; sure, I may be a few steps past where I was at my worst, but I didn't think this was the big "tah dah!" stage of this whole process. I'm not a shiny, perfect example of a successful "after;" maybe after a year and some change, I thought I would be. That probably wasn't a reasonable expectation in the first place, but it's what got me through. 

I guess I just don't know what I'm waiting for anymore. This might be as good as it gets. And if it is, how do I stop waiting around and start moving again? How do I progress when I feel like I'm still waiting to be healed? How do I shake the feeling that I should wait around until things are better? That is my inclination, but it maybe be time to reassess. 

All of this is floating in my mind, a perplexing stew of thoughts and hopes and feelings and fear. There's a little determination in the mix, a little hint of impatience. But mostly a dull confusion that makes everything hazy and difficult to discern. 

The recurring theme in this blog, and in my life, is a desire for clarity. I don't think colonoscopy #2, as delightful as it was, will give that to me. 

I just don't know how to wean myself off of expectation. I project my hopes onto every blood test and invasive procedure, looking for medical markers to guide me on my way, to help me make good choices, the right choices. Clear signs that say, definitively, YES! Stay on this medication or NO! Try a new one. 

I end up with a lot of maybes, and at this point, as you can probably tell, I'm just so freaking unsure of which way to turn.