Post #53: Truth in advertising

My colon is working again-time to buy flowers! It's a RULE.
 

So tonight, as usual, I was delaying taking my evening meds. I got a snack (can't take them on an empty stomach), did some laundry, and painted my nails a dark forest green. I mostly bought the polish because it had one of the most hilarious names I've ever seen-and you have to say this in a loud, angry German accent:

NEIN! NEIN! NIEN! OK, FINE!

Ahahaha. I don't know why that makes me laugh, but it's all I can do not to blurt it out at inappropriate times.

Me: I'd like a Sprite.
Waitress: Is Sierra Mist ok?
Me: NEIN! NEIN! NIEN! OK, FINE!

I would have to tip her really well.

I was admiring my nails as I shook out two pills from the bottle, and  for a second I just looked at them sitting in my palm, pale yellow against my skin, juxtaposed against the velvety green on my fingers, and I thought, this looks like a drug ad! It's so perfectly composed. Staged. Innocuous.

I should say that I freaking hate pharmaceutical commercials on TV. My hatred for all drug ads connected to raising old man peen are well documented, but what really gets me are the ones targeted to women. They usually start out with sad face lady-wah, I'm sick, I'm sad and alone in my house. Then they break out the 3 F's-food, flowers, and friends. Seriously, check it out next time.

As the voice over guy lists all of the horrible potential side effects, the lady-now happy and smiling-shops for flowers (why is it always flowers? Is that just what healthy people with vaginas do?), has lunch with the girls, maybe does some light painting. You know, lady stuff. Here's how it goes:

Voice over guy: potentially serious side effects include loss of sphincter control, intermittent dry heaving, and werewolf style hair growth. Other serious side effects include runny nose, fatty spleen, and increased bleeding from the ears. Though rare, there have been reports of finger loss and nostril enlargement. If you feel an increased appetite for cruciferous vegetables or notice a change in sexual appetite, contact your doctor immediately. Your doctor will discuss the risks and benefits of using this drug.

Happy drug taking lady: silently laughing in the background at a sidewalk cafe with her friends. Subtext: Oh Carol, you slay me! I'm so happy I took this drug and can hang out with the girls. I'm not bothered by the finger loss at all! Who wants another appletini?!

Ugh ugh ugh.

Here's how it should go:

Voice over guy: People, this drug is pretty toxic. I'm not going to lie, the first few weeks are not going to be cute. Do not take this medicine if you will not be near a bathroom at all times. Do not take this medicine if you are squeamish, sleep deprived, or malnourished, because SHIT IS GOING TO GO DOWN. People have reported all kinds of crazy side effects, but if I were you, I would be most worried about the finger loss and the sphincter control. Seriously people, we're talking about LOSING DIGITS and POOP. Are you really prepared for that? Your lady friends are probably not going to want to hang out with you and go flower shopping, I'm just saying. Talk to your doctor. Make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. Seriously.

Drug taking lady, probably not happy: silently clutching her stomach with one hand while trying to contain her bile with the other. Looking in the direction of the rest room. Dark circles under eyes. Trying to smile. Realistic subtext: Oh Carol, blargahhhhh (vomiting into her purse). Sorry about that! You're a funny gal! This is so fun!!! *plop* Oops! There goes my pinkie into your appletini, let me order you another. You know what? Hanging out with you girls has been fun, but I think I'm going to go home and watch Netflix. Don't want my spleen getting fatty again! I'll call you crazy kids in a month or two.

Obviously, I'm over dramatizing, but I would much prefer the truthful commercial. Granted, no one would ever take drugs, but then I wouldn't feel like such a whiner when I get concerned about taking yet another new one. The ads say: stop worrying! This will make you better! Everyone else is getting better, what's wrong with you?! DON'T YOU WANT TO GO FLOWER SHOPPING?! While my body is saying: I don't feel right. I feel like I have a fever, and my stomach hurts, and I'm dizzy. I just want to lay in bed until this stupid drug kicks in and I can carry on with my life, let alone go shopping for tulips and engage in some light painting.

I would feel better, and less alone, if the people in these ads were sick, or scared, or conflicted. If they looked and acted a little more like they had actual medical problems. If they treated the drugs like drugs, instead of glorified miracle Advil.

Instead, they are shiny and happy and carefree, and I worry that a lot of people will buy into the dream, and feel like a failure when they don't live up to the promise in the ad. I know that's what happens to me.