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| Yup, that's about right. Except my undercarriage is cleaner. |
I couldn't do it.
It doesn't have anything to do with the needle part, or the injection part-it has to do with the what's inside the needle part. I'm just not ready.
I think that cumulatively, I cried (and snotted!) enough to fill that yellow bucket yesterday. It was hysterical crying central up in here. I made my decision, made a new plan, and I'm guessing the new med will keep in the fridge for a while.
I don't feel relief-I think this drug may still be in my future-but if/when I take it, I need to be in a different place than I am now.
If all of this sounds kind of vague and confusing, then I'm adequately conveying the intense back and forth, emotional whiplash involved in trying to make the right choices about my health.
I don't have anything to add, really, except to say that I could write many an AMP post about my nurse/doctor team. When I was called the nurse this morning, I almost started crying again because she was so incredibly understanding.
When you have a disease like Crohn's, in my experience, there are a lot of voices telling you what you should do. Everyone has an opinion-the internist, the specialist, the nurses, the naturopath, the support group members, the nutritionist, your friends, your family, random strangers on the internet....it's a cacophony (SAT word!) of jumbled voices, each shouting to be heard above the fray. It's hard to think when your ears are assaulted with all of this noise.
To be told, by my nurse, that I have to be comfortable with my treatment options because it's my body, was really affirming. I sometimes forget that I can have a voice too.
So it's baaaaaaaack (sorry) to the drawing board. I don't know what my future holds-it may still hold the pre-loaded syringes triple wrapped in my fridge (plastic bag, paper box, paper bag-safety first!). They're locked and loaded, ready to go-but I'm not. I'm just not ready to commit.
Maybe someday, but not today.
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