Post #56: Where I make out with some broccoli

Hey stud.

Oh, couch. Oh, daytime TV. Oh, low residue foods.

Luckily, the weather here has turned fall-ish, which makes hibernation more palatable. There is something uniquely depressing about crawling under the covers in the afternoon of a gorgeously sunny day.

This month all of the magazines are packed with Thanksgiving recipes, and I don't kid myself that I'll be able to tolerate most of them-I scoff at you cornbread stuffing! I laugh in your face, pecan pie! Last Thanksgiving I stuck to turkey and (plain) mashed potatoes-it's unfortunate that one of the best eating holidays has become an anxiety-riddled exercise in restraint. I love Thanksgiving foods-buttery, salty stuffing, sweet potatoes with a pecan crumble topping, dinner rolls, gravy-and pie, oh, the pie. I am really good at making pies. I know how to make a crust that is buttery and flaky, but still crisp on the bottom. I how to coat the top of a double crust pie with apricot jam to make it look like it came from a fancy bakery, or a magazine photo shoot. I know how to make a chocolate Bourbon pecan pie that is kind of shocking in its excess.

But of all the recipes flaunted in these magazines and floating through my memory, one-a raw brussel sprout salad with red onions, oranges, and toasted nuts, makes me want to rip out the page and chew on the paper (can't though-too much fiber). I crave salads, but I don't crave the inevitable pain and discomfort they will cause. If you had told me a year ago that the food I most desire involves brussel sprouts (and raw brussel sprouts!) I would have laughed in your face, and then eaten another slice of pie.

I think what I really crave is textural difference. Most of the food I eat now is not crisp. It has no bite. Before all this, when I was feeling well, it's not like I always ate particularly healthfully, but I did go through phases where I "ate the rainbow" (and I mean produce, not skittles). I used to be the high fiber queen. I used to eat swiss chard and lentils and roasted butternut squash. I ate big salads and raw vegetables and spinach. I mean, I also ate chocolate and ice cream and feta, but we're focusing on healthy shit now.

I can't eat those things right now. Maybe, in the future, I'll get to a place where I can without fearing pain or a colon explosion. As I chill on the couch, and watch the food commercials, it's not the quarter pounders, french fries, chicken sandwiches, cupcakes or cookies that make me drool-it's the Mexican food, with beans (beans! I remember beans!) and cheese. When I flip through these magazines, I'm not interested in the turkey, particularly, but the veggie sides.

I still haven't been able to find a happy medium between what my head wants and what my stomach can tolerate. As a result, I tend to eat the same things over and over and over, because they are "safe" and easy. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of nourishing my body. My focus has shifted solely to symptom avoidance and away from nutrition.

Before Thanksgiving, this is something I need to work on, because on that day I am eating real food. Maybe if I look at incorporating some more nutritious foods into my diet as a kind of training regimen, it will seem less daunting. Some people train for 5k runs-I would like to train my colon to accept new and different food friends. It would also be nice to not feel the need to muzzle myself in the produce section.