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| "What are you up to these days?" "Oh, you know, the usual. International dolphin show jumping. NBD." |
You know, the usual.
My usual is sad.
I try to tell myself that this is a temporary state, that the day will come when I'll have the energy to get my taxes together or take a shower or go out to a movie or go out to EAT, but today is not that day. Yesterday, and the day before that, and many days before that were also not that day, and it's wearing on me.
Everyday people reach out, over email, on the phone, on gchat, and always start by asking me questions I have no good answers for:
- What are you up to lately?
- What have you been doing?
- What's been going on?
- How are you feeling?
- How's your day going?
- What's the news?
I have been up to nothing. I have been up to WAITING. That is what is going on. I have no better news than yesterday, which looks pretty much like today, and probably a lot like tomorrow (hopefully-lack of progress is better than backsliding!).
The frustration is on my end-I don't blame these people for sticking to the social script and asking normal, thoughtful questions regarding my health. I tend to go one of two ways: either I say, "Not much to report, same old same old" or "Meh. How are YOU doing?" and flip the script. It's easier territory for both of us.
But for people I haven't talked to in a while, it's especially disheartening. Maybe I last talked to them a month ago, and the answer is still the same. Let me provide a sample conversation to illustrate the point:
Person: I haven't talked to you in a while, what's been going on?
Me: Oh, you know, same old same old. Crazy colon times up in here! How's the baby?
Person: Oh, little Paxton said his first word! It was "Volvo"-We're teaching him Swedish. His older sister just started super advanced Harvard Pre-K and would like to sing you a song she learned in Vietnamese in her play group last week. Work is good, I got promoted. We're going to the Bahamas next month with the whole family, so that should be fun. I'm going to run a marathon and I just whipped up a batch of vegan carrot cake muffins and I started a class at the community center to learn casual French flower arranging. So really, what have you been up to?
Me: EATING BROTH AND WATCHING MURDER SHE WROTE, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?
Seriously, how can you compete? I am stuck in waiting mode. There is nothing glamorous or interesting or noteworthy about waiting mode. You just wait.
Therefore, because I am sure there are others in the same predicament, I have devised a clever system of super secret conversational responses for people with dysfunctional colons in order to maintain dignity and provide much needed interest to common everyday discourse.
Observe:
What you actually did: tried to stay awake while reading Martha Stewart Living Magazine; fell asleep during the riveting section on planting spring bulbs; ate a Popsicle.
Super secret spy response (SSSR): Did independent research on local horticultural trends; drew diagrams for the Elizabethan herb garden you plan to plant in the spring, according to historically accurate descriptions from the time; took a break from your work to eat a light lunch that was high in antioxidants (the Popsicle was chocolate, ok!?).
Let's try again:
What you actually did: Peeled vegetables and dumped them into a pot with a whole chicken to make broth. All of the washing/peeling made your already dry hands crack and bleed; now they also smell like onion and garlic. Hooray! This was exhausting, so you took a nap. When you woke up, you ate some of the broth with soup crackers and watched the Travel Channel.
SSSR: In preparation for your upcoming travels (to the doctor! many doctors, actually!) you watched a riveting documentary on the preparation of native ethnic cuisines on PBS, and then used your superior knife skills to re-create a dish you saw (from memory!). After your morning of labor, you enjoyed a nourishing repast and then treated yourself to a much needed spa ritual with herbs and berries sourced from your backyard apothecary (you spritzed your cuts with bactine and called it good, whatever).
One more!
What you actually did: Went to the pharmacy to pick up more drugs, where they recognize you by name. Went to the grocery store and bought seventeen protein drinks (and some Gatorade!). Came home and realized your hair was flattened to one side (as though caught in a gale) and one half of your face was red because your had fallen asleep with your head wedged between the couch cushions (again) before going out. Decided taking a shower now was kind of besides the point.
SSSR: Because you care deeply about keeping your shopping dollars local, you supported your local businesses and developed relationships with local shop keepers (the drugstore chick? right). You experimented with the latest avante garde beauty trends coming down the runway for spring, but ultimately decided to stick with the natural look, which suits you better anyway and also helps to conserve water, energy, and the ENVIRONMENT (screw you showers!).
Also, any of the following can be employed when the real answer was "spending time in the bathroom":
Started re-reading a classic
Went for a brisk walk
Nursed a baby robin back to health
Started a neighborhood recycling drive
Attended a clothing swap
Cuddled a panda
Went to a "insert name of obscure band here" concert
Chopped firewood
Studied the migratory patterns of Canadian Geese
Planned your next trip to New Zealand
Made your own mozzarella
Herded some goats
Placed second in the 5th annual Dolphin Show Jumping Classic in Dubai
I feel better already! Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to head out for a brisk walk (ha).
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