Post #92: 65 Shades of Blahhhhhh

Well, wearing yoga pants.

I am frustrated. 

Eggs kicked my ass today. You know how a good day starts?! Not BY BEING BEATEN BY BREAKFAST FOOD. 

For the past 10 days I have been drinking my meals, which is about as sexy and enjoyable as it sounds. I enjoy a nourishing broth as much as the next girl, but I would like to use my molars again at some point. Teeth for the win!

Unfortunately, since my little adventure, I have come to equate solid food=pain. A few eggs this morning followed by nausea and some warning pangs in my AAC had me ready to stick the "BROTH4LIFE" bumper sticker to my car. I WANT TO EAT SOLIDS FOODS WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I'M GOING TO HURL-is that too much to ask?

It's hard to explain exactly how frustrated I am, how maddeningly, violently frustrating it is to keep having to pause my life to deal with the small (and larger) setbacks of this disease. 

Imagine picking up the newest, hottest bestseller from the bookstore (yes, people still do that). Let's call it "65 Shades of Hey Hey." At first, you're all excited because you feel like you're up-to-date, and with it, and hip. You missed out on the sparkly teenage vampire hullabaloo but now you are ON THE BALL. You can finally make jokes about it to strangers and feel all connected and shit. You will finally understand all of the stupid jokes people are posting about it on Pinterest. You're a few pages in, people are doing weird sexy things to each other, etc. 

Then, surprise! Crohn's. You put a bookmark in. You deal with your colon. 

You keep reading. 

Flogging, so much flogging. 

Surprise! Another bookmark. 

Before you know it, your book is littered with scraps of paper, paper clips, pens, junk mail-random placeholders that are disrupting the narrative of your high-brow lady porn. At this point, everyone has finished the book and you are so far behind (ha, behind) that you don't even bother to finish it. Your mom asks you what the book is about-it has officially crossed the line of cultural relevancy. 

Once again, you are left out. The world goes on without you while you are holed up in your house eating drinking broth and watching NCIS reruns. 

Next week, next month, there will be a new book, a new movie, a new something that you will probably also miss out on, and it will just make you feel even more isolated and alone. 

Also, you can't eat eggs and the steroids you're taking are making you sad and introspective (although, that could just be the natural human response to your situation). 

I'll call my doctor, and check in, but I know the response I'll receive. I'll have to stay on the steroids, stay on the liquids, and keep trying to push the solid foods. I guess they will keep making me nauseous until the one time when they won't, and I'll go from there. 

There is no timeline for this whole process-my colon hasn't been answering the hostage phone I threw down there to negotiate some kind of truce-so I could be looking at another month of eating drinking my calories and living in fear of mashed potatoes, apple sauce, rice, pasta, soft tofu-the scariest foods in all the land. 

And this waiting-for pain, for no pain, for nausea, for no nausea-might just be the most frustrating thing of all.