Post #85: Extreme sexiness ahead

Hahaha, this made me  laugh. And I haven't really been laughing today.

So. I am a year older. It's now been exactly a year since my diagnosis, and to celebrate, I am going to have my innards roto-rooted on Friday. I don't want to write some depressing, introspective review of the last year, because I have been composing that particular essay in my head for the last two weeks. For the most part, the things that stayed the same have been frustrating, the things that have changed have been scary, and a healthy dose of uncertainty has added fun to the mix. Now you're all caught up.

A very funny, wise friend from college wrote on my FB wall "Congratulations on another turn around the sun!" and for some reason, that seems like the perfect attitude to adopt at this time in my life. I usually have some angst around my birthday, as I mentally tabulate all of my successes/failures to date, but this year I wanted to skip the angst and take a nap. Something about having a birthday so close to New Year's creates a  double whammy of existential pondering, but again, I only have so much energy for that kind of mental flogging.

I've postponed having a birthday party, again-when you have an AAC, why bother planning a celebration with food you can't eat, drinks you can't drink, and activities you don't have the energy for? It seems like adding insult to injury. I keep promising myself that when I feel better, I am going to celebrate the hell out of these two birthdays, but I would settle for a smaller affair where I just didn't feel like crap.

Speaking of feeling like crap, I am gearing myself up for the super fun time that is colonoscopy prep (I told you there was extreme sexiness ahead!). This is not my first rodeo, so to speak, but it is my first time using the pill prep (32 pills! yikes). While I'm SO FREAKING GLAD that I don't have to drink a gallon or two of hurl inducing salty lemon lime colon explosion juice, I am always wary of trying something new. My doctor will also be meeting my colon in person for the first time, and I have to say I'm feeling a little awkward about the whole thing. In the past, my colonoscopies were performed by a specialist I didn't really see clinically; I feel like I spend a lot of time with this current doctor, and now all mystery will be removed from our relationship. I know this is a stupid thing to worry about, but when you're constantly sobbing in front of your doctor and discussing sexy topics like malabsorbtion, painful gas, and the quality/quantity of your bowel movements, it's nice to think you have a little dignity left. Then again, if you spend the 18 hours before the procedure having explosive diarrhea like I did last year, you would pretty much let the mailman preform the exam if it meant getting hooked up to some fluids and getting a little sedation. So there's that.

After this procedure, I will have to make some treatment decisions, something I've alluded to in previous posts. I've been delaying it, and delaying it, and it's finally time to nut up (such a gross expression, but it makes me laugh every time) and take a long, hard look at my life and decide if I can tolerate how things are or if I am willing to add more medications to the pile for a shot at better quality of life.

I talked about finding a motto for 2013, and while I didn't settle on one, I've been thinking a lot about something my yoga teacher said a few classes ago. My leg was splayed to the side in some sort of super sexy deep groin stretch. Everyone else in class was groaning, and I felt like I could release my leg all the way to the floor, but I didn't because I was worried that it might hurt and no one else was doing it. My teacher walked over, grabbed my heel and repositioned my leg, stretching me farther than I thought I could go. "How does that feel? Is it ok?" I thought about it, and there was no pain, no stress. "Yeah, actually." As she moved to the next student, she replied, "Good. Never settle for less when you can do more."

That stuck in my mind. When it comes to my Crohn's, am I setting for less, or just settling in general (that last sentence felt very Carrie Bradshaw-esque. Like if she were writing about Crohn's, she would say that, and then go cheat on/with Mr. Big and cry about it over appletinis in between bathroom trips)? I've felt like crap for the last few days-a combination of eating like crap (it was Christmas! and then my birthday! and there were treats EVERYWHERE), sleeping too much, and going off my exercise schedule. My stomach is hard and bloated. I'm in pain, and my AAC is not pleased. I haven't really left the house in two days. Is that what I want the next week, the next month, or the next year to look like?  

I don't have answers to all my questions, and I find myself, yet again, waiting and dwelling in uncertainty. All that aside, I made it through a year with Crohn's. I should focus on that. I made a full lap around the sun, and I have some momentum as I start my next turn.