Post #34: Don't stop believin'....

Happy 236th America! Luckily, today the explosions are only going on overhead, and not in my colon.

So in non AAC related news, I love the 4th of July. I'm watching the different shows on TV and maybe getting a little weepy over "God Bless America" and "Stars and Stripes Forever"....there is something about the combination of super shiny bright flashing lights and patriotic fervor that makes me want to hug a stranger, so sue me. I celebrated the day by shopping and eating picnic-y foods, like a good American.

One year, a friend of mine was working at a restaurant on the water, a location directly beneath the firework show. After hogging a prime outdoor table, ordering like 4 desserts and enduring the side-eye from the manager, the show started. I have never been that close to fireworks before (or since, actually). Every explosion ratcheted through my body, shaking up my molecules, every burst of light seemed to bypass my eyes and go directly to my brain. It was loud and overwhelming and scary and AWESOME, an onslaught of visual grandeur.

Outside people are letting off fireworks, because for one day they are legal here. Tomorrow, the ground will be littered with the spent casings of tonight's festivities, and it will smell faintly of smoke. I miss being a kid and running in dizzy circles with a sparkler, tracing my way through the darkness around family and friends, full of hot dogs and brownies and watermelon from the neighborhood BBQ. One of my favorite parts about watching fireworks is watching other people be transfixed by the noise and color and motion, their faces reflecting the lights in the sky, their eyes shiny and wide. I think I like all of these things because they are uncomplicated pleasures.

Very few things in my life are that uncomplicated, or pleasurable, now.

After Monday's festivities (ha), I have been feeling empty, as if everything my body needed was inadvertently purged. I've been eating more, drinking more, and today I finally feel "filled back up." It's such a weird balance to pursue-first you need to find food that will not make you actively ill, and then you need to eat an amount that will give you the protein and fiber and nutrients you need, but not so much that it throws your system out of whack again. One of my favorite well meaning questions that I get asked all of the time (SARCASM ALERT) is, "Are you sure you can eat that??" I get this every time I go to a restaurant with someone. I mean, I know my colon is unpredictable, but one bite of anything is unlikely to make me explode right there in the booth.

How I wish it were that simple-if the doctor (any of the doctors!) had given me a concrete Crohn's diet, a simple way to navigate around my plate and avoid stupid mistakes like Lentilgate 2012. Such a thing does not exist. Instead, it's mostly a constant, frustrating battle to figure out what I can tolerate, and what I need, and trying to connect the two.

I'm going to go watch some more fireworks-they're doing the star shapes now! And playing Neil Diamond! I'll take it-easy, uncomplicated distraction. Loud happiness. Ok, now they're busting out Journey-it's on.

Happy 4th!