Friday, July 6, 2012

Post #35: A comprehensive report, from top to bottom

Calm it down Sonicare-trust me when I say you're on the right end of things.
Before I discuss my butt, let's first list some things that make me feel old:

1.) The fact that Tia and Tamara Mowry (Sister Sister? anyone? anyone?) just turned 34 (thanks waiting room copy of People magazine!)
2.) The fact that on random employment forms, it's not out of the realm of possibility that I might have dependents
3.) And finally, the fact that I am officially being inducted into the old lady hall of fame with the BRAND NEW night guard I will be getting next month! It's going to be thuper thexy (that's how I'll be talking at night from now on).

So I went to the dentist today for the first time in.....a while. My old dentist retired, I hadn't found a new one, nothing was loose or newly crooked or turning grey-I figured everything was probably fine in molar land. I put it off, and like many things that are put off, it grew in my imagination into something that seemed bigger and scarier than it actually was. All of this other shit was going wrong in my body-did I mention the nose pap smear? Or the antibiotic ointment that I'm supposed to shove up my nose holes twice a day with a q-tip? No? Well there's that. And the diseased colon. And really, that was enough. But human bodies, and especially female human bodies, require routine maintenance. Deferring these appointments merely leads to a stressful appointment pile-up, and I'm trying to take better care of my entire body to create a more hospitable living environment for my AAC. Doing sick person math, I figure that if I stay on top of my other shit, this equals more time/energy to deal with the disease at hand.

My old dentist was like a stern father figure; picture sweater vests and a bad Bill Gates haircut. This new dentist looks like a shiny Nordstrom's shoe salesman with several advanced dental degrees. He's so....coiffed. And he's Brazilian! Everything he says, with his hint of an accent, sounds slightly celebratory. He has blindingly white, perfect teeth, an above average handshake, and a general air of confidence. I think I will trust him to jab needles into my gums (next week actually, when he fills that tinnnnnny cavity that is TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT).

Where was I going with this? Oh right, old lady night guards. I remember when I was growing up, I took great pride in the fact that I was the only one in my family without that particular plastic horseshoe. I also used to wait until bedtime to ask my parents pertinent questions, so I could watch them spit all over themselves. It's the little things, really.

So while there are some smooth spots on my teeth where I have done some grinding (not the sexy club kind), Brazilian dentist assures me that this is not an unusual wear pattern for SOMEONE MY AGE (oh Brazilian dentist, don't you see I'm YOUNG AT HEART?!). So unlike most of my family, I am really a predominant clencher rather than grinder. This can be stress related (the hygienist asked, is there anything particularly stressful happening right now? hahahaha), but in my case I think I was probably a clencher from the moment I got teeth. Since when I wake up my jaw often hurts (there is no way for that to not sound dirty, I'm sorry), and I have pain in my neck and shoulders, and my jaw kept popping in an alarming way during the exam, Brazilian dentist advised getting a bite plate as insurance against further damage to my joints. A few posts ago, I talked about stress manifesting itself in physical ways, and now I have proof! Sigh. With the exam, x-rays, tinnnnnnny cavity filling, and bite plate, I'm looking at $1,000 worth of dental work. Did I mention that I don't have dental insurance? It's a good thing I'm getting that bite plate, because I think I'm clenching now.


So, my teeth are somewhat sorted out, but my AAC is decidedly not. This has not been a great week in terms of colon explosions, and it's kind of feeling like the old days. Cramps are back. Bloating is back. Sometimes pain is back. And hello there noxious gas! These are not good signs. I feel like I'm backsliding down a sandy slope, and there's nothing I can hold onto, nothing I can do. I have 8 days left to taper, and then my AAC and I are on our own, and I'm not sure we can hold down the fort by ourselves. I see my doctor in about 3 weeks, so I'll have a week or two where I'm au natural, drug wise. This morning, after racing to the bathroom, I was so exhausted that I had to take a nap. I'm not sure what the biological basis for this is, but sometimes after my colon completely empties itself it feels like my body is so spent from the process that I have to set the reset button, sleep it off, and try to start the day again. It definitely feels like defeat to have to crawl back into bed at 10:30 instead of watching the View like a normal person.

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