Post #42: Circular logic

These two Crohn's buddies are playing with a Frisbee, which is ROUND. Shape of the day!

I do love a theme, so today we're going to be talking about CIRCLES! Now, there are a lot of disgusting circles that go along with Crohn's that I will not be discussing, because really. No one wants to see pictures of that shit. However, I can list them: colonoscopy shots, ulcers, butt holes, toilet bowls, the ends of empty toilet paper tubes (SO MANY)......I mean, there's tmi and then TMI.

Let's start off with an easy circle: pills.

there is something very aesthetically pleasing about this pill color palette

Ok, some of those are ovals, but ovals and circles are like cousins, whatever. When I was first diagnosed, I was taking about 15 pills a day.....now I'm down to three (and they're not Crohn's related). However, if I were to add in the supplements that I should be taking for general health, not to mention AAC health, that would add at least 7-8 pills to the party.

Swallowing the actual pills isn't a problem; I can't seem to get over the mental hurdle of having another daily drug/supplement regimen. Now that I'm off the steroids, I kind of want to pretend this little interlude never happened, and return to a life of relative normalcy, which for me includes a day or two a week where my AAC pops up to say hi. However, I know that these supplements-prescribed by the asshole naturopath, blessed by my gastro-might be beneficial to the process, plus I have the freaking lab work to prove that I need to, I don't know, SUPPLEMENT my diet with some of these vitamins.

I've narrowed down the list to the absolute bare minimum: omega 3s, vitamin D, iron, and a multi vitamin. Besides having rancid fish burps, none of these pills are going to give me "moon face" or make my hair fall out, and yet I am more hesitant to take them then I was the steroids! I attribute this to 15% laziness, 30% distrust of vitamins in general (the "expensive pee" theorem), 40% avoidance of anything I view as "extra credit" and not mandatory, health wise, 10% concern that the pills may have gone rancid from sitting in my hot car for the last 4 months, and 5% general neuroses.

Let's rollllllllllllll on down (get it??) the road to our next circle:

I would totally push this.

 I get regular oil changes (sometimes), pay my library fines (eventually), hold doors open for strangers (always), and will tell a cashier that he has forgotten to ring up that expensive juice that I could have TOTALLY gotten for free (sad but true). However, I do have a bit of a wayward streak. Tell me I can't do something, and I immediately want to do it. I frequently have the urge to open doors that say "fire exit only" just to see what kind of noise they make, or knock down all of the standing cones around a construction site with my car. Basically, I want data. I want to know what happens if I do something I know I shouldn't-it's not the act of pushing the button that's interesting to me, but figuring out what happens next. I need to push boundaries so I know where they are.

This relates very directly to my health, and especially to this post-steroid period where I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should go on new medication (or if I need to). I know I should continue with my restricted diet, avoiding carbonation, white flour, white sugar, dairy, "skins" and high fiber stuff. It seems to be helping, so any normal person would think, great! I'll keep doing that. I should also take my supplements, meditate, and exercise. Non-surprising admission: I'm not doing any of that shit.

It's spring break (food wise) up in here, with me shoving all kinds of "forbidden" foods down my gullet. Last night, I went to a party with lots of good catered food, and while I did avoid the pasta and bean salads, and the tiramisu cake (assholes) I did eat white bread, some kind of stromboli thing (cheese, more bread), and an assload of sparking apple cider. For lunch, that say day, I had Mexican food-chips, salsa, guacamole, pumpkin seeds, lettuce, carrot strips, tortillas. Basically, I was running down all of the entries on the "fuck you" food list.

Today, I've had a gluten free cookie, a gluten filled blueberry scone, a slice of coconut bread.....the list continues. I keep eating this shit even when my stomach hurts. Before, this would send me into a panic, and it's still worrisome now, but I need to know what happens if I break my food commandments, the one thing I was clinging to amidst all of the colonic chaos.

This is a stupid thing to do. I shouldn't be stressing out my AAC, but I just don't know how to behave right now. I feel better, so I'm socializing more. Should I continue my restricted diet? If my bowel movements are pretty normal (had to sneak that in somewhere) do I keep delicious, delicious white bread off the menu? If I'm not feeling as tired, is it ok to tax myself physically by running around all day? What will happen if I eat dairy? Drink something fizzy? Skip my usual nap? Forget to drink as much water as I normally drink? I just. don't. know. So I do these things to find out, to push against my fears and find out what the reality is on the other side.

I can tell you this much: all of the fuck-you foods have made me feel run down, tired, and bloated, in a way that has nothing to do with my AAC. If I can pull my head out of my ass, maybe I'll recognize this fact as the data I've been looking for.

This post is long, so I'll just do one more:

These are the wheels on my whip. Hahaha, no they're not.

Ok, so finally: I'm going on a car trip. This scares the hell out of me. Company, eating out constantly, delicious vacation food temptations,  a complete change in my schedule, and no Trader Joe's (where the majority of my food comes from). We'll see how that goes.

Those are all the circles I can manage tonight, so it's call this part one. I am going to work this whole shapes theme for all it's worth.