Post #45: Whales are gross

Do you see your favorite foods in this picture? Neither do I!

Fun things that happened this weekend:

1.) Played with kittens (eee!). One was a farter, and I felt immediate kinship and considered adopting a flatulent cat

2.) Had to have a colon explosion while company was in the next room, and couldn't make it to the upstairs bathroom; did the whole "if I turn on the water, NO ONE CAN HEAR A SOUND" trick and hoped they thought the percussive gas sounds were merely an errant motorboat passing by outside

3.) Watched Liza Minelli bake a chocolate cake with Paula Deen. So very, very wrong, and yet so compulsively watchable. On a side note, I would totally not be surprised if a hidden camera caught Paula Deen in a warehouse somewhere, breaking kneecaps with a lead pipe and screaming in a Brooklyn accent

4.) Watched the Olympic closing ceremony. The Queen totally should have been there! Harry looked petrified, I bet she beat him with her purse first so he'd behave

Yeah, that about covers it. It was an uneventful weekend, except in my colon, where the Olympic event was sprinting (to the bathroom). For serious, I cannot remember the last time my stomach cramps were THAT LOUD-I would say it sounded like whale song, but whale song is not usually angry-sounding and followed by copious amounts of diarrhea (or maybe it is, whales could be gross like that).

I finally made a decision about the scary medication, and now I'm in a holding pattern waiting for this cold to clear my system, but without blood work/taking antibiotics it's hard to gauge whether or not it's really gone. I also haven't taken the steroids. I know they would make me feel better now, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking about going back to work, and I want to have a secret weapon if I need it. I know if I start the steroids now, there is every chance I'd still be on them at the end of September, but I just want to have some extra ammunition, just in case. It's kind of the only advance planning I can do with my AAC. Secret weapon, ammunition-these steroids are like the Navy Seals of pharmaceuticals, slipping quietly into my colon and knocking my inflammation into SUBMISSION. Boo rah!

So as per the instruction of my gastro's nurse, I am trying to "rest" my colon until I can start the new meds, thus the graphic above. It's old school, sure, but my ass is not going to eat spelt bread and high fiber food in the midst of all of these colon explosions. If my colon needs to take a time out and chill with some white rice, guess what's for dinner?? It's kind of weird to be consuming the "forbidden foods" all day long (white bread, Gatorade, white rice, oh my!) but it seems to be helping my cramps. We'll see.