Post # 49.1: Hangin' tough

I'm trying to hang in there hamster STOP YELLING AT ME.
 

I'm almost at post 50, which seems momentous. Since I want post 50 to be about something happy, this post will be 49.1.

So. Time for some truth (because all the stuff I write about explosive diarrhea is just a bunch of lies so you'll think I'm glamorous and cool).

I am supposed to start work in a month. I don't know if I can do it. And realistically, I'm not sure that teaching, as a profession, is going to be conducive to my life with Crohn's.

Today was a bad day, in all respects. I started taking my new medicine, so I don't feel so great (although no vomiting so far, yeah!), I had a bunch of super un-fun colon explosions, I slept for most of the day, and then I ate some white bread and considered my future job prospects. All in all, not very encouraging.

It's hard for me to remember sometimes that I've been living with this diagnosis for less than a year. I think that even though I obviously had symptoms before then, having the diagnosis-having a name-for what was wrong with me changed everything in a very profound way. I feel like I'm scrambling to undo 30 years worth of planning and expectations since I've been given this new piece of the puzzle. I might have planned things differently if I'd known, but it's hard to say.

In one month, I am supposed to be at the head of a classroom, delivering curriculum I've developed and lessons I've planned (which I haven't done yet). I will need to learn student's names, and develop relationships with them, and correct their papers. One of the things I usually like about teaching is that I can be energetic and playful and creative. I can engage my students with random activities, play games in class, hand out candy on random Tuesdays to make the day a little better. I'm loud and I move around a lot, and  I make jokes, and I don't care if I embarrass myself as long as students are learning and having fun in my classroom.

I don't have enough energy to do that now. It's conserved for things like showering, or sometimes going to the grocery store. If, in a month, I am able to teach, it would not be the same as before. I think I would be more self contained and dependant on the course textbooks. I think there would be less YouTube movies clips and more silent writing.

I think that getting to work everyday and making it through a lesson would be a "win," if you will, but still a battle I would have to fight every.single.day. I don't know if I'm physically or emotionally prepared (or able) to fight that fight.

I'm thinking of emailing my boss and telling her I am unable to teach this quarter, again.

Crap.

On the other hand, I've been trying to get back to where I was before the diagnosis: working in a profession/place that is not necessarily suited to me now. I'm not saying that people with Crohn's shouldn't be teachers; I'm saying that maybe I'm a teacher with Crohn's who should look for new ways to do the things she likes without the burden of a daily course load.

I have to make the decision soon, and every answer seems wrong, or at least stressful/uncomfortable. It's hard to see what I can't help feeling is a failure as an opportunity to grow or change my life for the better.