Post # 49.3: Hair today, gone tomorrow...

Web MD suggests this activity to decrease my Crohn's related stress. Running alone in the woods does not seem safe or calming because of bears and people who might jump out at me from behind a tree.

Here are three things that I am today:

1.) tired
2.) worried
3.) full of delicious, delicious bagels

Only one thing on that list is positive. I forced myself to go on an outing today, because I have not left the house in wayyyyy too long. I haven't been out in the sunlight. I may be growing moss and becoming (more) antisocial. The usual.

Going out takes preparation and, for lack of a better word, propulsion. To prepare, you must make sure you're hydrated from the latest colon explosion, and attempt to gauge if another is imminent. Imodium may need to be deployed, Gatorade consumed. Personal hygiene falls into this category, although at this point if I'm showered and wearing deodorant I'm pretty much in full on glamour mode.

Finally, propulsion: the single mindedness it takes to ignore your symptoms and physically propel yourself out the door. You can't let anything effect your momentum, of you may never leave: there are so many reasons to stay home and get back into bed. This morning, as I was combing through my hair with my fingers, I looked down to find my palms covered in hair: a delightful potential side effect of the new medication. Thinking I was overreacting, I shook my hands over the sink, and there was proof against the white porcelain: a lot of extra strands were visible. I could feel my momentum shrinking, as I combed through my hair for more and more strands (a few more came loose)-I wanted to count them, or document them, or call someone, or do SOMETHING. But I made myself wash them down the drain, and finished getting ready. You can't get sidetracked, even by something new and frightening, if you want to get out the door. There will always be something.

At the door: keys, Gatorade, crackers, cell phone. Gut check: Cramps? no. Gas? no. Bladder? empty. Dizzy? slightly. Safe to drive? yes.

Get in the car and go.

I did, and I came back. I used up so much energy on that brief task. It felt good to get out, to drive on the freeway and listen to the radio, to see people and buy bagels and act normal for an hour or two, but I came home and headed straight for the couch, and now I can barely keep my eyes open. I took a long nap, and now I'm going to bed early. I just feel like I have no reserves, and when that energy is gone for the day, it's gone.

That covers the bagels and the fatigue-now for the freak out. Some hair fell out today-I don't know if that is a new trend or just a random hair exodus. I up my dosage tomorrow. If I'm this tired now, how will I manage when I'm taking 4x the dose? Will I be more spaced out? More distracted? More nauseous?

I will use that same propulsion to force myself down the stairs tomorrow morning. I will go into the kitchen and pour myself some juice, and I will take those pills and see what happens. Thinking and worrying inhibit motion. There will be plenty of time to obsess once the pills are down the hatch.