Post #43: I took a break, buy my Crohn's didn't

This is what you get when you google "Crohn's flare." Assholes, like I could eat this shit even if my colon were not inflamed. Also, why does the frosting look like mashed potatoes? Ugh.

The title of this post should be sung to the tune of "I fought the law and the law won." Totally stuck in my head now.


Yeah, so, oops....haven't posted in a while. I was on vacation and even though I had internet access I didn't want to talk about my AAC. So sue me.

Before I left, I had a non-religious "come to Jesus" meeting with my gastro. Within 60 seconds of shaking his hand and starting to discuss my digestive business, I burst into tears, per usual. On the one hand, it's embarrassing that I can't make it through a single appointment without doing the ugly cry, but at this point I've kind of stopped trying to fight the FEELINGS. Whatever. It's not like he usually delivers good news and then we play with puppies the whole time. Shit is stressful.

After a lot of obsessing, denial, and stalling (3 month taper, anyone?), I decided to go on the meds I was hoping to avoid. It's time to give them a try. A few things became abundantly clear during my meeting.  My gastro broke it down: what are your goals for the next six months? I said I wanted to go back to work. He asked why I wasn't working (I took my leave of absence a while ago, and technically could have worked this quarter), and if it had anything to do with Crohn's symptoms. At first, I was like, no silly gastro! I'm taking a BREAK. I'm RELAXING and GETTING BACK TO NORMAL.

And then I realized: no I'm not. I'm doing exactly what I was doing before-piecing together an existence based around unpredictable symptoms and pretending that EVERYTHING IS FINE. But everything is not fine. Having 1-2 bad days a week, that kind of take me out of commission for a morning/day, is not fine.  I realized that in my current state, I couldn't go back to work with any degree of confidence. As my gastro said, so kindly, "I really don't think your symptoms are as under control as you think they are."

For a long time, during this period of tapering and should I/shouldn't I take this drug thinking, I assumed that I would get a black and white picture of the situation and would be able to make the right decision accordingly. Unfortunately, there were no fortune cookies with "TAKE THE FUCKING DRUGS ALREADY" fortunes, or long spaces of symptom free days where I picnicked in alpine meadows and communed with all that was natural and bright. It's been an in between, not that great, not always terrible, middle of the road kind of deal. I was so worried about making the right decision that I didn't make any decisions. I watched a great Crohn's round table thing online (wish I could find it again, would totally link to it) where a doctor said he tells his patients that the medicines they are taking  are "forever for now." New drug therapies are in development, symptoms can change, situations can change, and the drug you take today might not be the drug you take for the rest of your life.

I think that is what was holding me back: I had to be SO SURE about this decision because I would be on this drug for the rest of my life-but that's not necessarily true. And that flexibility is freeing. I like my gasto's approach: what are you goals, and how can we get you there? The goals will change, and the medicine might have to change as well. I've got to start somewhere.

Unfortunately, I have had a cold for the last week and a half, so I don't think I can start this drug right now. I'm going to call my gastro's nurse on Friday to check, but I'm still coughing up green shit so I think it's a no-go (and you thought this blog was just about POO).

I'll update soon-right now, it's time to watch the Olympics even though I know how it all turns out THANKS A LOT CNN. Things that are awesome: the hilarious England-themed jumps for the horses, sparkly spandex, hurdles. Diving and Olympic kayaking (?!). The fancy water polo baby caps. The super excited parents in the stands. AMERICAN BEACH VOLLEYBALL SHOWDOWN. I love this shit.