Post #48: Bears are gross too

Thanks for wiping my excess fecal matter off with a broom Ma!

Ugh, I hate these commercials. The latest has the mother bear looking into the baby bear's UNDERWEAR (?!), finding skid marks (?!!) and shaking her head: oh, those crazy bears of mine! The answer to this problem is, obviously, more absorbent toilet paper. Clearly, the solution isn't TEACHING THEM CORRECT WIPING TECHNIQUES or investing in some baby wipes.

Let's take a moment to discuss the flaws in these commercials. First of all, the bears (and bears in general, really) don't wear pants-so why would they wear underwear? Also, if you've ever seen bear poop, as the creators of these commercials clearly haven't, then you'd know that a few errant pieces of overpriced fluffy toilet paper stuck to their ass is the LEAST OF THEIR PROBLEMS. Once, my family was hiking in Alaska with a guide in the middle of bear country. The "funny" guide insisted that my 10 year old self go first up the trail, to act as an "appetizer." He also carried some sort of bear mace, and told us to put our backpacks over our heads in the event of an attack, so we would look like larger animals. I'm pretty sure the sight of some lily white yuppies hoisting their REI backpacks above their heads and peeing themselves would make the bear giggle before it ate us. Also: BEARS ARE SCARY! Did the creators of this commercial have access to the discovery channel?

Anyway, back to bear poo. Talk about colon explosion-we're talking piles, mountains, HEAPS of poo. Do you know how sometimes your dog poops, and you think, how did all of that come from my mid-size herding dog? Well, think about that same phenomenon with a motherf-ing BEAR. Apparently (and this is coming from my recollection of the crazy ass bear guide two decades ago, so science could have advanced), in preparation for hibernation, they eat a lot of cattails (the plant) because they are sort of like nature's Dulcolax. I guess that's smart, so one doesn't befoul the den. Now you know. I'm glad I could enrich your life with all of this.

This post/rant about the Charmin bears is brought to you by my desire to avoid thinking or talking about my own AAC, which is, in keeping with the spirit of the blog, pretty pissed off.