Post #22: Swimming in jello

Oh lady lion, I so understand the feeling. I would join you on that stump if you wouldn't eat my face off.

This is what you get when you google "auto-immune memes." Not what I was looking for, but so very appropriate. Good job internet.

So far, beyond a few crying jags over stupid shit like lifetime movies and sad health documentaries, I haven't really experienced the moodiness or emotional changes that can come with steroids. Now maybe I'm getting all of it in one week? I just feel weird, and strangely passive, and indecisive and kind of vaguely anxious and.....weird. I'm sure that clears up my emotional state. I taper again next week (sigh) so maybe that will help?

I don't think I've talked about it here, but there's this scene from an old school Tom and Jerry cartoon where they find some magic beans, climb the beanstalk (naturally), and end up on the giant's dinner table. They are small and the food is HUGE. Antics ensue, and somehow in the chase the mouse ends up in a giant jello mold, kind of suspended in the dessert. He swims through it and when he looks out, the world is orange tinted and distorted (jiggly, I guess? It is jello).

I am in the jello. Everything feels sluggish and slow and harder than it should be. I think this is due partly to sleep issues, partly to my AAC making me feel run down, and maybe a little because of the drugs. It's so hard to delineate-is this IBS or Crohn's? Steroids or Anxiety? Feelings or Exhaustion?

Anyway. Yesterday, even though I kind of knew it wasn't a good idea, I went blonde. Like, super blonde. And now I'm going back and forth about whether I like it not. It's hard to say. But the fact that I willingly let someone strip the color from my hair even though I was unsure if I wanted it to happen in the first place is kind of telling about my life right now. I just wanted to see what it would look like, and I didn't really care that much, and at least it would be different, and what else do I have going on? It's easier to let someone else make the decisions every once in a while, even if you end up disliking the results.

Plus, it's kind of the only drastic outward change (short of wearing a sparkly tube top and busting out of some ho-tastic short shorts) that I can make right now. I can't get anything pierced. I can't get a tattoo. Even going to get a pedicure is like a code yellow situation (germs! must. protect. immune. system). So naturally the best thing to do is go for a Debbie Harry/Betsy Johnson color to match my pretty sedate fancy soccer mom hairdo. EXCELLENT IDEA.

Sigh. I think I need something else besides hair adventures and doctor's appointments to fill in my week.