Post #29: In which I say "predictability" a dozen times

Must use this card before it become culturally irrelevant in 3....2....1.....

Two things to note:

1.) The girl looks way too happy about her spasming bowels, but maybe she's jigging all the way to the chamber pot?
2.) That spicy fish stew at the restaurant? That had no dairy? That I thought I would take a chance on? NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

I was out to lunch today (see note above) when a friend asked me what I wanted, in terms of my health.

Here's what I said:

Consistency, regularity, predictability.

It goes without saying that these things would go hand in hand with some symptom relief (nausea, diarrhea, cramping, fatigue, and pain). After hearing those qualities, which sound like a bank advertisement or a really bad dating profile, my friend said, "well, does anyone really have those things?" It's true that the human body is not a machine, like a toaster, that comes off the assembly line all tuned up to factory specifications. You can't necessarily depend on your body to toast a piece of bread the same way day after day (or have normal bowel movements every morning, whatever). But I think that a lot of people, at least those who don't have chronic illnesses or active illness (a cold, pneumonia, jock itch), wake up without thinking about how their body will function over the course of the day. It's assumed that it just will.

When I wake up, I don't always know if I'm having a bad day or not. I can wake up feeling fine, and three hours later be back in bed with some RLQ pain (that's right lower quadrant, people). I can wake up feeling queasy, and then steadily improve, and then feel queasy again. I can have a colon explosion in the morning, take a nap, and feel fine for the rest of the day.

For instance, last night I was supremely nauseous. This morning, same thing. I dragged my ass out of the house, refusing to miss my lunch date and planning on ordering a sprite for lunch, but I ended up feeling better by the time I got there. I ate lunch, felt fine, came home, spent some quality time in the bathroom, took a two (ok fine THREE) hour nap. Nauseous, then hungry later, now having some RLQ discomfort. So, was this a good day? A bad day? It was kind of both. Now try planning a life around this kind of inconsistency, irregularity, and unpredictability. Try holding down a job that requires you to have the very qualities you want for your colon; a job where you interact with people, talk in front of people, and need to be focused, present, and aware. That is what I'm signed up for in September.

Whenever I get pissy and frustrated with all of the things that aren't working (well, they're working, just in an UNPREDICTABLE way), I try to remember what my nice naturopath once told me. Lest you think I'm completely prejudiced against the profession, for the last few years I've been seeing not one, but TWO highly intelligent and compassionate naturopaths (the first one narrowed her practice to treat patients with a specific disease and do research around that disease, so I went to her colleague. No drama involved, that all came later with the asshole naturopath).

I came into my nice naturopath's office one day, super overwhelmed and frustrated by a lot of abnormal lab tests and scary new symptoms (this was pre-diagnosis), and I started to cry. I was feeling broken and sick. He handed me a tissue, looked me in the eye, and said, "If you made it to my office, 98% of your systems are working. You can sleep and eat and think and drive. It's the other 2% we need to work on."

Maybe the percentages have changed a bit, but I try to remember this when I'm feeling especially sorry for myself. There is a lot going right. There isn't a lot of predictability in that 2%, but it's not the whole picture (even though it feels like it is). And it's something to continue to work on.