#18: In which I fall off the white bread wagon

This is what you get when you google "angry bread." Although if I went to that factory, I think my mouth would be so full of enriched white bread goodness I would forget to be angry. It has the word WONDER in it, how can you be mad??

I am now halfway through my taper (cue celebratory music). These past few weeks have been filled with spelt, gluten free waffles, and cucumbers (skin removed). Did you know that when you peel cucumbers, the wax that they coat the vegetables with comes off in tiny curls? I find that to be both disgusting and fascinating.

I can't really make any sweeping generalizations about the state of my AAC at this point-I think the next taper will be the most telling, in terms of my future medical plans. What I can tell you is that for two weeks I cut myself off from delicious, delicious white bread and sugar, and when I hopped off the wagon for a brief second, I came thisclose to actually snorting a roll in a restaurant.

I'm sorry, white bread is just better. I had the best of intentions today-I planned to go to a Greek restaurant, where I could easily order meat and vegetables, but the place was empty and it's always creepy to be the only people there. I just imagine the server taking our order and poking the sleeping cook, like, "Eugene! We have customers!" while the cook rouses himself out of a pool of saliva on the counter top, scratches his ass, and wanders into the walk-in to find some chicken that looks "fresh." I know that high turnover doesn't guarantee freshness or food safety or a non-ass scratching chef, but we decided to go to a different place down the road that happens to have DELICIOUS bread.

I had good intentions, I really did. And in the scheme of the world, consuming some processed, bleached flour is not going to derail the colon train. The warm bread that was brought to the table feels different in your mouth than whole wheat bread (no stupid seeds or berries or sunflower seed shells-I'm looking at you Trader Joe's bread). It is softer, silky, lighter. The aroma is light and sweet, without the more strident tang of spelt bread. This is not a bread that haughtily proclaims its healthiness, or tastes aggressively like fiber-this bread envelops you in its quiet, yeasty goodness. This is the way bread is supposed to taste. I maybe ate 5 rolls.

All of this is well and good, and I felt fine, but for the first time in two weeks I CRAVED sugar. Not a demure, gee, a sugar cookie sure would be swell right now! kind of craving. More like, if someone doesn't feed me sugar in the next ten minutes, I may have to drive to the grocery store and take the freezer section hostage. Coincidence? I think not. Somewhere, my asshole naturopath is cackling and dancing around a fire coated in agave syrup, garbanzo bean flour, and virgin coconut oil, burning a bag of white flour and mainlining probiotics, and I might have to strip down and join the party.

I maybe ate an entire pint of vegan "Oreo" ice cream in under 15 minutes. I do not regret it. I am also going to send my spelt bread a nicely written apology letter and see if we can't see each other exclusively again, starting tomorrow.