Post #32: My yoga pants are pretty tight....



Is there no option C??

Quick update: taper taper taper taper, super tired, taper taper taper.

Now you're all caught up.

In other news, I have lost my give-a-shit. I wear inappropriately tight yoga pants to the grocery store. I watch TV all day. I eat the same foods over and over because I'm too lazy to try new things. I don't wear makeup, even when I had what I am convinced was a small boil on the side of my face. I get irritated if I have to wear real pants. I have a somewhat relaxed attitude towards bathing (still mostly every day, it's not like I'm living in a pit of my own filth). I shaved my legs for the first time in a month yesterday, but only because I was bored.

I wouldn't call this depression. This is more like focused exhaustion. If I'm not going anywhere, and I'm tired, why should I wear real people clothes? I should save that energy for things like meal preparation and reading TMZ. I COULD moisturize, put on sunscreen, dab on coverup, set with powder.....or, I could use that energy to go to the grocery store with my giant boil shining like a beacon, and hope that my long bangs cover that mother. Again, I just don't give a shit.

And yet, I know I need to marshall up some give-a-shit, because I need to take care of my AAC. I need to make doctor's appointments and get blood work and get a bone scan and start taking my freaking vitamins and come up with a plan for when this taper is over (in about 2 weeks). There are a lot of out of town guests coming. I need to send out late birthday presents. I'm going on vacation for 2 weeks. Eventually, I have to go back to work.

But I am so tired.

In the past two days, I told two people I had Crohn's, and talked about it with a relative, and they all said the same thing: aren't you lucky that there are so many good treatments out there for Crohn's? One talked about her friend's son getting infusions every few weeks. Another, who is a pharmacist, said, "well, there are so many good tools on the market." A third told me about her friend who had Crohn's and had just had a baby, and how when she finally found the right medication she "got things under control."

If my give-a-shit was in full force, I probably would have been all uppity and annoyed about their cavalier attitude toward my colon-just take a pill, all will be well! But part of me wonders if all of this medication avoidance is a futile pursuit, and if I shouldn't just take the freaking pills.

If anyone has seen my give-a-shit, let me know-I need it to make some important decisions.