Post #30: CONSISTENCY IS MINE! (on this blog)

In honor of my 30th post! You can eat it in my honor. Huzzah!

So, 30 posts! I am impressed with my own consistency here. And as you know, I'm a big fan of consistency.

As the taper continues, my bowel situation is not improving. I'm having more cramps and more pain. I knew the taper was about buying me time, and I feel like that time is running out. I've been putting off making the doctor's appointment (with my real doctor in a real hospital who doesn't tell me I'm going to explode if I sniff bakery dust) where I'll plan my next move.

Since I spent so much time talking about the horse I didn't pick (asshole naturopath! *shaking fist*), let me tell you a little about the one I did. Let me preface this description by stating that I must be kind of a nightmare patient. I am over-prepared, nosy, and suspicious. Now, some of these are commendable qualities, but I think there is probably a limit I exceed in terms of doing my own research and forming my own opinions. This is because when I am afraid or overwhelmed, I collect information. I'm not talking a quick google search (although I do that too), but more of a comprehensive medical journal literature review, with articles highlighted, collated, and organized by year. yikes.

Back to my horse of choice (HOC). I come to every appointment with a list of written questions (I am such a nerd). I like to go down the list, and then have a discussion about next steps and recommendations. I have never had a doctor reject/mock the list (to my face). Most doctors say that it's helpful and refer to it throughout the appointment. I prepare for my appointments because I know I have a limited amount of face time with my doctor, and I want to get all of my questions answered. I know that this is a positive/proactive way of dealing with the situation, but there is always a part of me who dreads being "that patient," the neurotic, difficult, overbearing know-it-all.

I've talked about it here before, but I think women are conditioned to respect medical authority figures in a way that is not always conducive to their personal health. This is a broad, sweeping generalization, but I know that I often feel like I'm overstepping my bounds if I ask too many questions, or disagree with a suggestion, or seek a second opinion. Intellectually, I know these are smart choices, but emotionally there is a fear of seeming like a crazy harpy. I do respect my doctors-and I know they did not go through medical school/residency to be second guessed by an overly confident wise ass with a penchant for googling. At the same time, I don't think it's wrong to ask about a less aggressive form of treatment, or see what all of my options are. At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with these choices, face the consequences, and deal with the side effects-so I'm the one who has to ask the questions, do the research, and find a doctor who can educate me about my options.

My horse of choice (HOC) is just such a doctor. He is smart, but more importantly he's......steady. That's an appropriate way to describe a horse, and a weird way to describe a doctor, I know. But he is calm and capable in a way that inspires confidence and trust. In our next appointment, when I am drug free, I am going to have more decisions to make. It will be difficult. But while I am nervous and cracking jokes to make myself feel better, I know that my HOC will quietly absorb the information I present, and give me his honest opinion about what to do next. I know that he will not be condescending, or try to intimidate me into choosing an option that doesn't feel right for me. And that, if nothing else, is comforting.