Post #25: I am not an empty vessel



This picture comes up whenever I search for "Crohn's." Maybe Thom Yorke is telling my colon to be coooooool.

So. Day one of the taper has gone well. I am cautiously optimistic. This may, of course, change at any time. I did eat some (cooked! non cruciferous!) vegetables at dinner, along with a few bites of someone elses dairy-laden mashed potatoes. We'll see how my AAC feels about that is about 45 minutes to an hour.

It's time to finish the asshole naturopath story. Writing about it has been extremely useful for me. I used to think it was just an unpleasant footnote in this unfolding story, but it's become a cautionary tale and a reminder that no matter how tired, how depleted, how hopeless, I have to try to be a present and conscientious patient, and remember that I do have a say in my treatment.

I can walk out. I can say no. I can ask for a second (or third, or 54th) opinion.

I think that's the thing that stood out for me in re-reading the last post-I felt stuck in that moment, and voiceless.

After the semi-hygienic blood draw, I waited about a week to hear back from the asshole naturopath. He said the results would be back in 2-3 days, but again, I didn't want to be a bother (ugh). The weekend came, and the next week I called his receptionist, who was monumentally unhelpful. I left three messages asking the asshole naturopath to call me back, and let me know the results of the blood tests. Finally, I was told that he had seen my messages, and wanted me to schedule an appointment to discuss my results in person. I made an appointment for the next week and steeled myself for bad news.

When I finally got back to his office, he was in a jocular mood. I asked about my test results. "Well, I have bad news. You've only got another 70 or 80 years to live. Life is a terminal condition." Great......now, about those test results? He spent a minute or two looking through my chart and dicking around, until I finally snapped and said, "And the verdict is......."

He made a big show of circling numbers and drawing arrows around the page, but basically it came out that I don't have Celiac. He went into his spiel about the medical community's inability to diagnose the disease, and how some people don't become symptomatic for a certain amount of years, which would mean that their blood work would be "fine" and mask the underlying condition, etc.

He asked how the diet was going. Keep in mind that he had not pointed me in any dietary direction whatsoever, and I had done all the research myself. I told him that I had ordered/read the book (Breaking the Vicious Cycle, the progenitor of the SCD, or Specific Carbohydrate Diet), and didn't find enough compelling evidence to completely alter my diet in every way. The diet is meat/dairy heavy; I don't eat a lot of meat, and dairy has pissed off my AAC long before I was diagnosed with Crohn's. The steroids were working, and I didn't want to make my own yogurt using a heating pad (it's a SCD thing). He gave me the side eye, but at this point I was pissed off and said, "Well, I'm not going to lie and tell you I'm doing the diet if I'm not. Who would that help? Not me. Probably not you!" He made a big show of laughing at this, oh ha ha I appreciate your candor! What a wonderful rapport we have! Then he said, "At least cut out gluten."

So now we were bargaining? I told him that I would think about it. I still wanted to do more research, but going gluten free, though easier than the SCD, was a major commitment and I didn't know if it was necessary. I told him how the steroids had kicked in, and how I wanted to give them a chance to work to see how I felt.

The appointment had been decelerating at this point; I had rebuffed his dietary requirements, and cast doubt on his suggestions. He cut me off, and suggested that dietary modifications were preferable to staying on the steroids; "When you stay on the steroids and get diabetes, which you WILL, and osteoporosis, which you WILL...."

Oh I see.....if your "facts" don't work, and your speeches aren't getting through, then you'll help me onto the road of well being with a healthy dose of fear?

At this point, I had been on the steroids for a few weeks. I wasn't feeling so weak. I had more mental clarity. And I could see through his bluster and charisma and dirty finger nails and pseudo-spirituality. I agreed to take his prescribed vitamins, think about "the gluten thing" and check back in 6 weeks.

Three weeks prior, I had left his office feeling energized through the fog of my illness. This time, I left feeling angry and hollow, mad at myself for placing my trust in a bully, and mad at him for being an asshole.

I have not checked back, and he has not checked in.

A lot of doctors talk about being a "partner in health." This always reminds me of teaching, and the fact that there are teachers who expect students to passively accept knowledge (the "empty vessel" approach), and teachers who encourage students to actively question and engage with the knowledge they receive. It's the difference between a lecture and a discussion, a presentation and a dialogue. I am not an empty vessel, and I don't want to passively consume any of the information I receive from doctors, of whatever tradition. I know that I don't have all of the answers (far from it), and that I have much to learn about this disease, but I refuse to be bullied or dismissed or scorned by any so called "expert."

And that is how the asshole naturopath got his well deserved name.