Post #72: When colons stop being polite.....and start getting real

I'm blogging 30 posts in 30 days for National Health Blog Post Month with @wegohealth.

Join me: http://info.wegohealth.com/nhbpm2012 #NHBPM

HAHA awwww......

 

Prompt: "My life as a reality show." Write characters, plots, the set, and why people should watch

 

Is that cat picture not the most appropriate representation of some of the uniquely invasive tests we (Crohn's patients, and I guess other super lucky patients as well) get to undergo? My favorite part is that the cat looks like a Muppet head, ha.

 

I have a colonoscopy coming up in a bit, so it's on my mind. Also, I know two people who are getting colonoscopies this week. SUPER FUN TIMES FOR ALL. I'm going to try the pill prep this time (as opposed to the "drink 9 gallons of this salty expired store brand sprite tasting" stuff)-we'll see if it's an improvement, although really, the process is not meant to feel like an internal shiatsu massage. Anyhoo.

 

I dislike the prompt for today: there are no child beauty pageant contestants or Amish teens hiding in my closet; I don't race around the world for money, and if it involves math I'm definitely not smarter than a 5th grader. Most "reality" TV is exploitative and staged; some of it is painful to watch.

 

My life is not a reality show: it's just reality. No one would be interested in my exploits, and I have no interest in sharing them. I am going to share a little anecdote that illustrates exactly why my life would make a craptastic reality show.

 

Today, the plumber came over to install a new toilet. Here's the timeline of events:

• 10:00: plumber calls to say he'll be over in 30 minutes.
• 10:01: have a last BM in old toilet. Thanks for your years of trusty service!
• 10:03: Obsess about previous action. Decide I probably should have used another toilet.
• 10:04: Flush repeatedly; no detectable odor
• 10:05: Ignore stomach rumbling, hop in shower, get dressed, don yoga pants (of course)
• 10:20: plumber arrives early. Is talkative. Consider other toilet options.
• 10:30: plumber wants to talk about politics and what "my generation" thinks about the election. Are we hopeful about the future? Which party do we think best reflects our concerns?
• 10:40: plumber brings up wet vac to vacuum up toilet water. Excuse myself. Pray for thorough flushing.
• 10: 45: old toilet is carried down the stairs. Obsess about potential toilet germs leaking onto the carpet. When I confess this to the plumber, he says, "Most toilets aren't as germy as we think they are!" I think, IF ONLY YOU KNEW, cheerful plumber. If only you knew what goes down in there.
• 11:15: new toilet installed! Is shiny and new and clean. Plumber wants to do a toilet paper test to gauge flush strength. Puts in a measly three squares of toilet paper. I innocently suggest a move robust test. He puts in three more. I raise an eyebrow. Three more. Eyebrow. Three more. Eventually the bowl is filled with toilet paper. It flushes. I breath an internal sigh of relief.

 

Now, this was about an hour in my morning. Was it interesting to you? Because it wasn't that interesting to me. Besides having a super nice (and inquisitive!) plumber, most of the action occurred in my head. This does not translate into ratings.

 

So, since my reality show is a no-go, allow me to share this bit of wisdom from the plumber. As he was conducting the flush test, he asked, do you have a small glass jar? Naturally, my mind went immediately to the bad place, and I thought, dude, if you need to pee we have OTHER OPTIONS. Seeing my side eye, he told me about the toilet paper test. First, you need a jam jar or other similarly sized, sealable container. Fill it with water. Then take three sheets (squares?) of your toilet paper,  place them into the jar, and shake vigorously. If the toilet paper dissolves instantly, it is septic safe and probably not going to cause any blockages. If it doesn't, your ass needs to get some new TP.

 

The more you know (shooting star......). I'm pretty sure my one ply, recycled, non-bleached toilet paper would ace that shit, but I'm not so sure about my beloved moist wipes. We will have to see how both fare in the new, low-flow (shudder!) toilet.

 

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting (sarcasm!) installment of "Real World: Digestive Tract."