Post #75: Fail better

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My strengths? Biceps and an excellent "Blue Steel." My weaknesses? Hair gel and, apparently, awkward posing.

  

Today's super fun times prompt: My strengths and weaknesses list post

 

Ha! I can't stop looking at that picture. It's like he's sexily inviting you to thumb wrestle. Getting back to business, I am a huge fan of making pro/con lists, which is really just another way of listing the strengths and weaknesses of a particular choice; so now I guess I'll make one about myself.

 

I started making the list, and I don't like where it's going (ha!). As a person or a patient, I don't think I fall so neatly into clean divisions: good/bad, strong/weak, right/wrong. I think I am constantly improving/falling behind, and I need to find new labels that encompass that movement. Thus:

 

I aspire to be:

A well informed patient. This means scouring the Internet (hellllllo, Dr. Google), scientific journals, books, magazine articles, podcasts....any resource that might offer new insights into this disease. It also means being organized for doctor's visits; keeping track of routine testing; and researching potential treatment options.

 

Patient. This is a tough one.

 

A good caretaker of my body. Even though my body doesn't always accept varied and nutritious foods, I keep trying. And I've been attempting to incorporate more exercise into my routine, even if it ups my nap time.

 

A strong medical advocate for myself. I've discussed this at length, but it's important to me to understand what is going on with my body, and what the potential benefits/side effects of any treatments might be. I seek out a lot of opinions, ask a lot of questions, and do a lot of reading, all to make the best, and safest, choices about my health. At the end of the day I am responsible for this body; sometimes, especially since my diagnosis, it often feels like an overwhelming and scary job. It would be easy (easier?) to just accept the directives of my doctor at face value, to take the drugs he recommends and ignore my misgivings, but I feel an overwhelming protectiveness that prevents me from handing the reins over to him completely.

 

Kind. To myself and those around me. Again, a work in progress; it's tough to maintain the social niceties when you are completely exhausted and depleted.  

 

I am working on:

 

Trust. Trusting myself and my doctor. I don't trust very easily. At our last appointment, he stopped what he was doing, and looked me in the eye. He poked my knee with a file he was holding, and said, quietly, "You need to trust me."

 

It's something I struggle with. I need to find a balance between blind acceptance and informed agreement, but fear is complicating and confusing every choice I make. It's not as easy as just trusting someone-or maybe it is. It's complicated. It's scary. I'm working on it. NEXT!

 

Humility. I don't know everything and I'm not the world's expert on, really, anything. Except my own body, which is why if you try to tell me I'm not experiencing something I am, I will head butt you.

 

Patience. How can this be on both lists, you ask? Well, there are good days and bad days.

 

Friendship. I have let this disease make me kind of a shitty friend. It's not an excuse; it's just the reason for my shittiness, and it's something I can improve.

 

Giving back.

 

Reaching out. This one links up with humility; I am not so good at asking for help or support. Giving it? Sure. Receiving it gracefully? Not so much.

 

 

Well, there you have it. A few of my qualities as a person and a patient. I feel like they could all be lumped together in one giant category titled: "Guess what? I'm HUMAN." but I'll stick with what I've got.

 

It's all a work in progress. Maybe what I'm getting at could be best explained by one of my favorite quotes, from Samuel Beckett:

 

 

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

 

 

That has been my motto for the past couple years: try again. fail again. fail better. Suceeding is not the point; trying is. Call it what you want: persistance, strength, will, or pure stubborness. Trying again (and again and again) takes heart. Failure is just another opportunity to clear your vision, shake off the dust, and start fresh-the opportunity to test and prove that heart all over again.