Post the second!

Dude, I have CROHN'S, not crabs. One problem at a time.

Instead of finding pictures that actually correspond to my posts, I've decided to showcase some of the random pictures you get from google images if you look up "angry colon." Example A above.

So, since I'm only about 2 months into this diagnosis (the angry phase!), I spend a lot of time medically outing myself to friends/family/neighbors/acquaintances/nosy Walgreen's pharmacy minions. I find that people fall broadly into the following categories:

1.) The Minimizer

Me: I have Crohn's.

Person: Oh, that's no big deal. My sister's mother's cat sitter's uncle had that, he was fine. Lived to be 160. Skydives every October! Just climbed the Matterhorn! You'll be fine!

Ok, first of all, it's a big deal to me. My colon is angry and covered in ulcers, SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Unless you shoved a periscope up my ass while I was sleeping, you have no idea if I'm going to be just fine today or in the near future or in the future future. Also, just because one person with whom you have the most tenuous of connections is living with Crohn's and healthy as a horse is not encouraging to me, as Crohn's is different for each person, and WE ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. Also, I was not really into extreme sports before the whole Crohn's thing, so unless my ass ulcers have endowed me with super special fitness juice, I'm probably not going to show Crohn's who's boss by jumping out of anything. Just FYI.

2.) The Grim Reaper

Me: I have Crohn's.

Person: Ohhhhhh, I am SO SO SORRY. I knew this guy once who had Crohn's and he was in and out of the hospital EVERYDAY. And then his colon fell out. And his wife left him. You know, b/c of the fecal incontinence. Did I mention his colon fell out?

Um, HOW IS THIS HELPFUL OR ENCOURAGING TO ME IN ANY WAY?! Asshole. Feel free to put that back in the "things I can think in my head but probably shouldn't say out loud" box and stow it. ugh.

3.) The Fellow Patient

Me: I have Crohn's.

Person: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. You know, I went through something similar last year. I was biking to work when I spilled my latte, and I veered into oncoming traffic and totally messed up my leg. They had to put pins in and then I went through 6 months of physical therapy, so I know what it's like to be under the weather. Don't worry, it gets better!

Yeah, so I'm super glad your leg is all functional again and shizz, but your leg is now fixed: MY COLON WILL NEVER BE FIXED. I'm sorry you went through a distressing medical experience, but your distressing medical experience had an endpoint. Mine doesn't. Yes, you may be able to empathize about how an illness gets in the way of everyday living, but please don't equate our conditions. We both have bodies, hooray! That doesn't mean we have some innate understanding of the other's process. Plus, and I know this is hard to process, but this isn't about your shit, it's about mine (literally!). Let's not exchange horror stories about our disgusting bodily functions and become besties, K?

4.) The Comedian

Me: I have Crohn's.

Person: Dude, that sucks. Guess you won't be going on any long car rides huh?

Ha ha! Oh good sir, I heartily laugh at my own expense to assuage your discomfort! No, I probably won't be going on any long car trips right now, or eating any burritos! Yes, perhaps I should just bring a bucket with me at all times. Ha ha, I'll be sure to look into that tip about the adult diapers! Hey funny guy: time. place. not. NOW.

5.) The Motherfucking Eternal Oblivious Optimist

Me: I have Crohn's.

Person: Well, at least you'll probably get really skinny now (actual comment said to me). I sure you will grow through this experience. I really feel like you'll come out more healthy on the other end! Aren't you happy to finally have a diagnosis?

Huzzah! I have Crohn's! Let's through a parade with CONFETTI! No, dumbshit, I am not happy to have received this diagnosis. After a decade or so, I had come to live with the IBS thing-at least it wasn't going to kill my ass. Now, if I do get really skinny, it will be because of my body's inability to digest food!  Or because I had some of my colon removed! Way to look on the bright side though-now go play in traffic. Thanks.

As you can see, my bitterness knows no bounds! You may be asking yourself, what could I possibly say to her that would NOT piss her off and cause her to hurl obscenities at me? Frankly, I'm not sure there is a neutral reply that would not make me angry, but you could try on this for size:

Me: I have Crohn's.

Person: I'm sorry, that sucks.

AND.....pause.

If I want to share more information, I will! If not, I will appreciate the fact that you didn't try to fill the awkward silence with inappropriate humor or stupid stories or useless information. I understand that these responses have more to do with people's discomfort with illness and genuine desire to empathize, but for fuck's sake: try to stem that verbal diarrhea before it makes the whole interaction that much more painful for both of us.