Post #9: 98.5% less disgusting than before!

My colon isn't just angry: it's leading me on a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

So, today was a little better, didn't defile any furniture. I'm kind of horrified about yesterday's post, because in general I'm not an over-sharer, but I think for me it's important to write truthfully about my experiences.

As someone who has experienced anxiety in fits and starts for, oh, my entire life, hearing the truth is important. If you're in the middle of a panic attack, your first instinct is to minimize the reality of the situation: "I'm fine! I'm sittinghereinthemiddleofaplaneandIfeellikeIcan'tbreatheandisitreallyhotinhere BUT IT'S FINE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE!" Actually, everything is not fine. You are on a plane and you are having a panic attack and you might vomit on your neighbor. That is the truth. Granted, you might slow your breathing, have a cold drink, and get through it without anyone noticing (been there!); that's not the point. There are many feasible outcomes to this situation, but to suggest (to yourself, or to have someone else say it to you) that you're fine and everything will be fine and that it's all FINE has never made me feel calmer. It doesn't acknowledge the truth of the situation, and it minimizes the experience.


I had a therapist once who told me to treat my "anxious brain" like I would treat a three year old: with patience and kindness (obviously, she had never seen me around a toddler). According to her theory, you should treat your "anxious self," the tiny scared version of yourself, with the kind of bland, condescending "You're alright! every thing's fine!" bullshit that I hate. When I was an actual toddler? This would have held weight for me. As a grown ass person, however, I just know better. Things might actually not be all right. I might not be fine. Being honest about the situation means I can consider the options and get information and try to make good choices. The "everything is GREAT! You'll be fine!" ruse seems like a kind of denial.


Bringing it on back to Crohn's, as all things must eventually circle, I get angry when people tell me (non-medical people) that I'm going to be just fine. To explain further, there's another anxiety reducing technique that makes you rate the probability of the things you fear happening. For example, if you're afraid to drive, you might initially rate the probability of having a panic attack in the car at 70%. Then you drive. And drive some more. Eventually, that probability drops in relation to your positive, non-freaking out car experiences. So maybe it's down to 15%. That means you can get in the car and be reasonably certain you will not have a panic attack. With Crohn's, I don't have nearly enough data (I am such a nerrrrrrd) to make such predictions, but I do know that there is a probability, and maybe a strong probability, that bad things will happen in the future, or can happen. To me, this isn't pessimistic; this is the truth. And the truth doesn't scare me as much as someone telling me that everything is GREAT because I know that that's a lie.

It is a fact that 60% (I've also read 75%) of people with Crohn's will need surgery in their lifetime. If you tell me that it will never happen to me, that I'll always be healthy and free and sparkly, I might kick you in the gonads. That is a lie. You don't know, and I don't know. But I do know there is a chance of bad things happening, and that is the truth. I try not to dwell on these things, but I can't willfully subscribe to the falsehood that I am somehow exempt from these complications.

So. All of this was a totally random tangent when I meant to write about the asshole naturopath and his theory about the "journey of illness" and his insistence that we are all given lessons to learn through the course of our diseases (thus, the tee pee). Another fun topic for me to rant about! Maybe next post.

I am going to take my bloated self (for serious) and drink some water and lay on the couch and poke at my stomach. Tomorrow, I'm going to go shopping and out for lunch. I will probably be able to do those things without wearing depends. And that's the truth.