Post the first!

Le Colon: she is ANGRY

I have Crohn’s. I hate to say it out loud.  Today I was at lunch with a friend and a friend-of-a-friend (FOAF-sounds like a dog shampoo), who wasn’t satisfied with my usual “I have a weird stomach” excuse when I ordered a dry turkey sandwich instead of cheesy grits or a hamburger or poutine (actually on the menu! The first time I’ve ever seen it anywhere in the city).

When the waitress left, the FOAF, who is actually delightfully forward and opinionated, turned to face me and demanded, “So, am I supposed to be satisfied with that explanation?” In most cases, I would have told her to go fuck herself, but as I said I think she’s funny and having an angry colon is something I need to adjust to. I thought about telling her the whole sad history, about how I’ve always had a “sensitive” stomach and how I’m lactose intolerant, or how for the last ten years I’ve been living with the completely useless diagnosis of IBS, or how eating avocados makes my digestive system do circus flips. 

 “I have Crohn’s.” So simple and so desperately sad. “Oh, bless, I worked in a hospital where they had a whole ward for you people. The gastro floor.” She proceeded to tell me all about her various ailments (we are both without gallbladders!) and the incident passed.

 I find this often happens when I share this diagnosis: I engage in a medical version of the card game bullshit:

Me: I have Crohn’s (whacks the card onto the table) 

Other Person: Well, I have seasonal allergies (three cards go down)

Me: Yeah, well, I’m VITAMIN D DEFICIENT (two cards)

Other person: Well, I had a hysterectomy last year (four cards-ouch)

 

Me: Well, I have Crohn’s AND IBS (boo-yah)

Other person: Oh yeah? Well, I had breast cancer and a hip replacement and MY DOG IS ON LIFE SUPPORT (winner!)

 Hmm, maybe I need  to start hanging out with a younger crowd.

This is all so new and so strange and so scary. All of the other blogs I’ve found have been written by Crohn’s veterans, with surgeries and scary medicines and hospital stays under their belts. I’m a newbie, desperately holding on to the hope of normalcy, and I just can’t relate-so this is my blog.