Post #10!!

It's true! And then I also burst out into a rousing version of "YMCA."

As those stupid Activia commercials prove, I am not the only American obsessed with regularity. Side note: why did Jamie Lee Curtis sign on to become to face of the regular bowel? Did she not save any money from True Lies? Was her career so slow that she thought, hmmm, you know what would really get my face out there? Becoming the spokesperson for POO YOGURT.

The worst part about those stupid commercials is that Jamie Lee Curtis is like the mean girl of the colon crowd. All of the commercials are the same: Jamie shows up with her aggressive pixie cut and condescending smile and visits with three friends. Two of the friends are POO YOGURT CONVERTS, and together they all bully the third friend into joining their cult of regularity. Now, I'm all for taking charge of your bowel health, but do you really need the chick from Freaky Friday harassing you about you poo? I think not.

I tried Activia a few times, and it caused my AAC to freak out (more than usual). It's like a super fast acting, vanilla flavored laxative for me. Anyway, I do understand the desire to KNOW when your bowels will be moving in a given day. It would be great to schedule a convenient time with you bowels to spend some QT in the bathroom:

Me: bowels, I have to go to work at ten. Could we get this party started around 8?
Bowels: 8's not so great, I want to sleep in. Had a rough day yesterday. what about 9:15?
Me: Are you crazy? I'll be in traffic! Could you do 8:30?
Bowels: 8:30? With that giant burrito you ate? I'm not a magician here. I could mayyyyybe squeeze you in at 8:45, but I'm going to make you fart all morning.
Me: It's a deal!

Alas, I don't have a consistent schedule, and I have no way of discussing this schedule with my body. It decides when and where and how often and how much. With this tapering/new diet going on, things have become even less predictable, although there are still warning signs. Before, when I was first diagnosed, everything would empty in the morning, and that was that. Yes, it was painful. Yes, it made me dehydrated and cranky and weak, but I knew I was done for the day. Now, things are more ambiguous, and different day to day. I certainly don't miss the symptoms, but in a way it was easier to make plans or even deal with the idea of Crohn's itself if you could count on a bad hour or two in the morning and then relative quiet for the rest of the day.

Now, I find myself constantly scanning my body for signs. Is that gas? Is that bloating? What hurts? Where does it hurt? Do I need to worry?

All of the new foods add another layer of crazy to the mix; now I have to gauge the reaction to each food, and then make a mental note to file away about what it did to my body. Example: I'm on a spelt kick (it's still wheat, I know, but it's not white flour and even some people who are gluten intolerant can eat it....whatever), and I bought some bread that had all kinds of seeds and nuts on the crust.

Long story short: seeds and nuts are not friends with my AAC. Today I ate the breads with the crusts cut off (like tea sandwiches!) and it was better received. Now imagine going through this same trial and error process with every new food you want to eat beyond the 10 on your "safety list."

I need some regularity and consistency here-where is Jamie Lee Curtis when you need her?!

ps: This is my tenth post! On ebay, when you buy 10 things, they give you a GOLD STAR. Step it up blogger.