Post #6

Like this soccer coach, I also assumed the position today.

Sigh. Day one of taper: not a success. I'm not sure I can blame the meds for this, but for the first time in a while I woke up with that familiar nauseous feeling, followed by pain and cramping, followed by....well, I'm guessing you know what comes next.

It's ONE day, I know, just one bad day, but it's still a shitty (so true) way to start the day. I've been nauseous after every meal today too. I started the whole "no white flour/no white sugar" thing-I'm still questioning why I'm doing this (it's anti-inflammatory! carbs are evil! the naturopath told me to!), but if nothing else it will force me to wean myself off bread to some extent. I went to Whole Foods and bought a lot of products that involve spelt, and some gluten free shizz. I ate some vegetables at lunch and again at dinner. I've been sitting here watching TV on mute and waiting for my stomach to decide how it feels about brown rice, asparagus, and salmon.

On the one hand, I want to start eating less like a sick person. I need nutrients. I'm bored with the foods I've been eating, and I know that I need more variety. On the other hand, I don't want to piss off my AAC.

One of the things that happens to me when I have a lot of diarrhea (I think this is the first time I've mentioned the word on this blog, but it probably won't be the last. Huzzah!) is that I spend the rest of the day in a fog. Mentally and physically, I feel depleted. It's similar to the experience of driving home from work after a long day and suddenly realizing you're in your driveway, but not really remembering all the details of driving there. You're on autopilot-the animal part of your brain is driving the car: foot, brake, foot, gas, check mirrors, turn signal, brake, merge, don't speed, don't speed, brake, gas, brake...you're in control but you're not connected. You do what you need to do but without finesse or awareness.

I went out to lunch. I went to the library. I did some shopping. I visited a neighbor. But I was so mentally disconnected from these tasks. I was nauseous and tired and trying to gauge my system's reaction to the things I was feeding it. I took a two hour nap today because I needed to, not just because I was a little tired. I hate that.

I should probably start back up with the food/symptom diary. For about a month and a half, right after I was diagnosed, I kept track of EVERYTHING that went in and EVERYTHING that went out. It was color coded, yellow for bad symptoms (pain, gas, bloating, colon explosions) and green for good (normal bowel movements!). The printout looked like it had been mauled by a yellow highlighter. I would drag this thing to every doctor's appointment, because I got so sick of describing my symptoms and their frequency.

It made me feel like a lab rat.

I really hope that my system can accept the new foods I'm going to introduce. Right now it is making sounds of protest, but there's no pain. So, it's back to keeping track, of watching my AAC like a nervous stage mother. Back into the unknown. Hopefully not back into pain and fog and exhaustion.