Post #14: Colon Firth

Someone nicknamed their AAC "Colon Firth." I am ridiculously jealous that I didn't think of this first.

I was just re-reading my post from yesterday, and......sorry, got distracted for a moment by the dreaminess that is COLON/COLIN FIRTH. gah.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about it, and I realized one of the things that sucks about waiting: the utter passivity of sitting around, or putting plans on hold, while you wait for someone (the doctors!) or something (my AAC!) to make important decisions about your life. This passivity sucks for several reasons, which I shall now list:

1.) I try not to be passive. It makes me feel like I don't have options/a voice.
2.) There is no endpoint for all of this waiting. There is not a clear timeline for action of any kind.
3.) Eventually, being passive about this makes me more passive about other things in my life.
4.) Human beings are adaptable, and this passivity feels normal. I'm in kind of a holding pattern here, and I've become used to it. I don't think I'm as concerned or angry or aware of things as I should be.

I just got my work schedule for the fall, and while it sounds manageable in my head I'm completely freaked out about making a commitment of any kind because I just don't know what my situation will be like in three or four months. I don't know if I'll be able to teach morning classes. I'm scared of getting sick there, of getting overwhelmed, of causing or having to work through a flare.

During the whole diagnosis process earlier this year, as my symptoms were getting worse, I basically held my work life together with Luna bars, lemonade Gatorade, and denial. I was slogging through three hour classes where I often felt dizzy or sick. I didn't have the energy to deal with my students. I couldn't remember details, and my mind didn't feel sharp. Eventually, after many sick days, I was at work and almost passed out in a computer lab. That weekend, after a visit to urgent care and three liters of fluid, I still felt sick, and I knew it was time to take a leave of absence. Everything just caught up with me at once. It was a crappy decision to make, but I had to do it. I don't want to put myself in the same situation again, even though I have more information now and some new medicines to throw at my AAC if things get out of control.

But what I'm realizing is that I am going to have to be the one to make decisions about what happens next, and I feel like I'm throwing darts at a dartboard. I don't have a crystal ball up my ass that can tell me what comes next. Which would be awesome.

In other news, even before I got my schedule, I was apparently more stressed out than I thought. My stress level has a direct correlation to the thinness of my brows, and last night I plucked those mothers into a fine, fine line. It's not a cute look. With my glasses, I think I look owlishly surprised all the time. I am calling a moratorium on plucking for a good two weeks, b/c at this point I may as well just shave them off and draw two wonky lines that aren't level BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE ANYWAY. The right eyebrow is higher....it's a thing. Luckily, there is a Clinique bonus going on, and besides being a bonus whore I now have a sudden need for emergency eyebrow resuscitation products. Silver lining!